Slim Jesus: You Need Jesus.

I am a big rap enthusiast. My first album was Eminem’s Slim Shady LP. I remember memorizing a B.I.G freestyle in middle school because of how intricate and precise his lyrics were. When it comes to music, in my opinion, you should be singing/rapping about a purpose or a message. Tell a story that’s not “I have money, girls, cars and drugs”. Today’s rappers with actual lyrical talent are few and far between. Kendrick and J. Cole are two of the newer rappers that are equally carrying hip hop’s torch today. That being said, there are WAY more failures then there are success stories in hip hop.

One of the most recent “newcomers” of rap is a white kid (I heavily emphasize the kid) by the name of Slim Jesus. There’s no typo there, that’s his actual rap name. The 18 year old Slim Shady wannabe released his track “Drill Time” on YouTube earlier this year and has been getting a lot of buzz since then. If you want to kill about three minutes of your life, feel free to watch the video.

First off dude, you’re an 18 year old white boy from Ohio who claims to have guns and money and runs with a gang? HA! You’re basically Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle if he had run off with a “gang” and became a rapper. Secondly, your lyrics are horrible. Here’s an exerpt from his s-hit single “Drill Time”:

“Put a hole in your fuckin’ back if I catch you talkin’ to the fuckin’ Jakes/ain’t afraid to catch a body and skip out from state to state/And if there’s a witness, I‘ma kill em’ too and I’ma beat the case.”

The Jakes? Is this the 50’s? Come on bro. I’m pretty sure that even if you were able to put a hole in one of their backs, you wouldn’t be able to skip from state to state due to the curfew your mother gave you. You must not be too up on the law, either. I would think that if there was a witness and you killed them, you wouldn’t beat the case. On the contrary, I think that you’d open up another case and screw yourself even further, you dumbass.

What you REALLY need to do is find a church, visit it frequently, and pray that Jesus doesn’t back hand you for using his name to try and sell your shitty music. I would put your song second in a list of “worst ways to torture people” behind watching a Keeping Up with the Kardashians marathon.  In the name of the father, son, and holy spirit: stop making music, get your G.E.D, and leave the rapping up to the professionals.

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