Sports are awesome. There’s nothing I enjoy more than cracking open a Bud Light on a Sunday and watching the football game, or head down to the Garden and watch the Rangers demolish whatever team they play. What makes them better is knowing that at any moment, I can become royalty. I’m talking about being a Draft King.
For those of you non-degenerates who don’t know anything about gambling, I’m talking about the sports app DraftKings. DraftKings is an interactive daily fantasy sports content service provider. To sum it up, you can win money by making a daily fantasy team for any sport. While you spend your $20 at Yankee stadium on a bucket of chicken, I’m making $50 on the fact that Tanaka is dealing absolute cheddar.
Living the life of a DraftKing is pretty sweet. You know your shit about sports as well as make good investments with your money.Basically, you get to feel like Robert Kraft (minus the cheating allegations). It’s not an easy life though. There’s always someone who’s after your thunder, trying to steal your iCrown. You must humble these peasants by crushing their spirits in a heads up tourney. Leave them looking like Steamy Ray Vaughn; sort of like Stevie Ray Vaughn, but he just shits his britches.
No one went to see Babe Ruth bunt. Don’t bet small if you plan to join the Draft royalty. $1 bets are for children and those who used their mothers credit card to deposit and don’t want them to notice. Assuming you work full time and are an adult, put at least $5-10 on it. The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. Sack up.
You can risk the chance of venturing out of the realm of your friends and take your chances against the foreign DraftKings. Most of them I think are robots. No way someone knew that the water boy would fill in for Jason Witten and somehow rack up 45 points. It’s all bullshit. Plus, if you beat someone you don’t know, how can you rub it in their face?
Word of advise: save your money and don’t try to challenge my hockey expertise or my occasional NFL knowledge depending on the week. I AM THE DRAFT KING!